"Quintessential Eugene" Experiences

... but how'd he get so close the curb?

Yelp reviews are riddled with the phrase "Quintessential Eugene." In an attempt to distill what exactly constitutes the Quintessential Eugene experience...

Rollerderby- Tone Windy City down a couple clicks (Tequila Mockingbird was paralyzed in my first Chi Derby, the EMTs didn't even make an appearance at this bout). Add a bit less clever burlesque and a bit more "skin" in the game. Amp the cosmic bowling lighting to obscure the slower, sloppier blocker pack. Roll through the rules in painstaking detail (thank you!!). Hold it across the street from my house (rather than braving West Chicago Skidrow in rental vehicles) and voila! Quintessential Eugene Experience.

Bikram Yoga- Take your yoga studio of choice, add 35 degrees and pervert door draft stoppers to bust the temp to 105... add wall to wall carpeting (prudent?). Ape awkwardly off the poses struck by your neighbor, Speedo Man (complete with matching tanlines) as he drips a visible puddle off his "costume" onto his mat. Alternate between trying to ignore the pungent aroma emanating from the carpet and burying your nose in your own industrially fragranced armpits. Namaste!

Saturday Market- Take your farmer's market of choice... Double the selection, halve the price, add artesianal hippies (tie dye to pet tags). To give you a sense- my landlord let out a low whistle as he walked by the bonsai booth, "Those trees are expensive!" ($10) versus...

The Coast- Cheating a bit, as "The Coast" is actually a 45 min drive from Eugene. Take your beach of choice... Superimpose desert sand dunes instead of beach. Decrease the temperature 30 degrees, add wet suits, swap surfing in the water for surfing down the dunes themselves. Bring in a couple dune buggies and ATV's for good measure. Killer clam chowder. Voila! Quintessential Oregonian experience.

Gas Station- Take your typical gas filling experience. If you are from anywhere but New Jersey, proceed to next sentence; New Jerseyites, skip ahead. 49 states: Replace opening the door with rolling down your window. NJ: Replace rolling down window to scream obscenities about "hurrying it up" for awkward small talk with overly attentive attendant who literally wants to know what you have planned for the day.

But wait! There's more!

• Militant bicyclists (many double wide BBW's-- you go girls!... unless you're edging me off the sidewalk instead of hanging out in the bike lane 5 feet over, yeah, I know, dayglo "wide load" vests are a niche item)
• Elaborate dietary restrictions (and the fringe benefit of getting decent veggie burgers everywhere and organic over-running the produce section even at the college Safeway)
• Inability to drive (overly polite to the point of capricious yielding = catastrophe. Evidently parallel parking causes 6 neighbors so much stress, they're more comfortable killing trees to compose and deposit nastygrams under our windshield wipers than learn when to turn the wheel hard right)

If my schedule allows, look for further reports on the annual hippie migration aka the Oregon Country Fair, "brew pub" crawls for local "samplers" (as if Mocha Beer wasn't enough, I'm jonesin to try a Chocolate Stout Float), forays into bike ownership, art walks, and more!